It’s been a month since I’ve written, at least.
I have written a dozen blogs in my mind (when will they invent that gadget?) but have not posted, and have felt guilty about that. A little bit, at least. But in the meantime, I have been good. No, more than that – really good. I feel like I am having an awakening of sorts.
First of all, the big news. After several years of going for a promotion at work, and letting the stress and insecurity of it all get to me on top of so many other things I used as an excuse to slowly bump up my drinking over the years….. I was promoted. Promoted! Now, my life isn’t all about my job by any means, but trust me, in my line of work, this was essential, and it was also personal. And difficult. Enough said there. In addition, in addition to this stressful process of promotion, over the past three months it seemed like everything was going wrong – just problem after problem. It was getting really difficult to find an excuse not to drink, and to escape.
But, it now seems that everything is turning around. Like, I mean nearly EVERYTHING. Big things, little gestures, one after another, like boom, boom, boom. It’s like the universe is on my side, and I am happy – not just a little bit on the outside, momentarily joyous over a single event or moment, but feel like I’m moving toward bone-deep, contentment and joy. It’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long while, and of course, so much of this is being sober and awake…and open to things. It’s like a gradual awakening to the new, improved me. Not the ‘new me’ but….an experienced, knowledgeable emerging self.
So in this gradual awakening, I find things out that work and don’t work for me. Like Belle said in her recent post The Parts that Work, there are things that work and things that don’t – don’t mess with them. When you find that little thing that works, make it work and stick with it, even if it sucks, and for me that was way beyond not having my glass (or bottle) of wine a night. For me I have found that (obviously) drinking doesn’t work. But neither does dealing with sleeplessness with ambien or xanax, which I have used on and off. It’s as bad as drinking for me, and often, would lead to more drinking. So that’s gone. Also, reading blogs every day is wonderful; but writing blogs every day is not. I used to stress out about it, feeling guilty that I ‘should’ or worrying I’ll lose ‘followers’. Who cares? No one!
So yes, not drinking. But also, I’ve learned, not counting. I’ve had so many “I’ll stop Sunday night” or “this will be my sobriety date” or blah blah blah…ugh! That’s not worked in the past, and for some reason, I don’t even remember the day of my last drink. I have had many weeks of not drinking, but honestly, don’t know how many. I guess I just hate math. Seriously. Or maybe I don’t trust the ‘old’ way of counting. Who knows. But focusing on what TO do and how many days I’m NOT doing it seems to have hit a key with my ever-clearing up brain. So I’m going with it.
What else? Exercising every day, even if it’s a short walk. Not working past 8pm. Drinking green tea. Calling my best friends and reconnecting more – and realizing that they, too, have challenges in their lives and this is when we need each other most. I have friends who have parents dying or have passed, marriages falling part, financial devastation, spouses with bipolar disorder, difficult children, etc. I have been so in my head for the past year that I often would feel sorry for myself thinking, ‘why haven’t they called me?” Duh. Because they, too, are dealing. With stuff. Better to deal together.
So, yea, this is a ramble. But it’s a good ramble, because my mind is awakening. Perhaps the stress of this job thing was a large part of my stressor. It’s gone – now I can’t wait to see where I go and what I can do. And how I can continue to enjoy this life alcohol free, in good health, loving my family and friends, and blogging when I feel it.
And speaking of, make sure to follow AfterAlcohol, my favorite new blog. I read it start to finish, and her story is in so many ways, mine. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Realizing we are not alone, we can awaken to the fact we are not alone, and we can use each other to get to that place we want to be. A continual journey, for sure, but a joyful one, we hope.